As of late

As of late it seems that I drown myself no less than once a month
And I listen to music no less than enough to bring me to tears
But it seems that it never works
But I won't give up and hope
That maybe I could flood you out
But the drinks just keep getting stronger
And I still can't seem to forget you
And everything that never was and won't ever be.

Freaking Dashboard.

I bet at least a quarter that you can relate to this, and I'm pretty sure this just comes with the territory of being a twenty-something year old. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in this boat, I just happen to be one of the people talking about it so much. Just because I say things over and over, my words might get a little old after a while but it doesn't mean they aren't still applicable or a big deal to me. Flagstaff, and NAU, and everything about it is getting better, but I'm realizing more and more everyday that I've really got no idea who I am, or if I ever did really know who I am. I got kind of ridiculious with my thought process this weekend especially. But with all of the over the top stuff aside, everything that went through my mind isn't that out of line. I came up here with the mind set that I can kind of fit in with anyone I came across. I'm someone who can generally make conversation, and make the best of the time I have with most anyone, but that's the problem. I'm fitting in to make the conversation happen, or make the best of time spent. And although it isn't on any drastic or massive level, it's enough that over the years it's been enough shifting here and there that there isn't much of a foundation left anymore. Essentially I've become one of the greatest, or worst actors alive. There's a kind of level of FAKE that's become me almost. And as unfriendly as people can be sometimes, for the most part, people aren't dumb; they can see when someone isn't quite as real and confident as they try to put off. The goofy exterior and off-the-wall outfits and short shorts and obnoxious music are all fun and definitely what I indentify with, but the clothes, or the music, don't make the man. The man makes the music and the clothes and the laugh and everything that goes along with that.

Good ol' Myspace surveys. Do you like your personality?I really couldn't tell you right now, but I do know that eventually I'm going to be one of the most amazing people out there. I am going to get this right someday. It might not be today, tomorrow, this week, this month, or even this year, whatever is left of it. But I'll be able to trust God enough to let go of all of these insecurities keeping me trapped within myself. And as over the top and dramatic as that last statement might've sounded, I can firmly say that I do mean that with all of my heart.

Sleep with all the lights on. You're not so happy, you're not secure. And you're dying to look cute in your bluejeans, but you're plastic just like everyone, just like everyone....Sleep with all the sheets off, bearing your mattress, bearing your soul. And you're dying to look smooth in your tattoos, but you're searching just like everyone could be anyone.

My spirit is willing

but my flesh is so weak. And I stand to say that I believe in everything you are but I never make it off the ground and don't get anything more than a whisper out; afraid of cutting ties from a world that doesn't understand you.

Debbie Downer.

I’ve circle navigated this town for years
And stared past the stars
And ate up every word to every song we ever sang together
Hoping to make sense out of all of this
And everything you ever said and never said
While trying all the while to get by on just enough

And we drive for hours upon miles to see how long it takes
-------How long we can keep it up
-------And pretend it’s ok
You can’t put behind what wasn’t ever there
But it’s still there for meAnd I might be the only one saying it but I’m not the one you’d like to think I am.

I’m not the one you’d like to think I am
And not matter how hard I try, I can’t put you out of my mind

So we’ll circle navigate this town
And drive until we’ve heard all the songs
And finally given up on this time
-------We never were able to get it all out
Because I’m not the one you’d like to think I am
And you’ll never get out of my mind to see someone else, and something past all of this

Did you hear it's all my fault again

And always has been and always will be?
Because this is something that will always be on your terms.

I've come to realize two things about relationships

One, is that as you get older the dynamics of all your relationships will change. This is more or less a euphamism to justify any possible distance between people, and everything that goes along with that. This doesn't however, mean that anything is wrong between two people, but life can't be laugh-a-minute forever.
The other thing I realized, is that there are some things that won't ever be the same no matter how hard you fight, and try to hold on to the past. Sometimes the only way to get things ok again is to let go of the past and hope for the best.

I'm more than aware of the fact that this is completely ridiculious.

Did I get what I've been asking for?
To be on my own and finally try to get this right
And away from you to see who I really am?
Is this what I really wanted?
The closest thing to being on my own and all alone
And away from you to see what I'm made of?
Well I'm finding out I don't have the slightest idea
And that I'd do anything to find that connection
Even if it's fake it's better than nothing
And that mind-set that everyone says is worse than being on your own is what it's come down to
And that mind-set that we're all so against
And so determined to not become
Is getting more and more comfortable

Because this is what I wanted
And it isn't much of anything
But so much more than uncomfortable now

And that mind-set has me questioning everything I do
And has me questioing my motivation behind everything
Because I'm finding out that I've got no idea
And I'm finding out that this person people have come to love might just be a front
Does that mean that I might just be a liar?
Because I'm finding out that I've got no idea
Which is something I already knew, but not to such an extent
Becase I know that it isn't much of anything
But it's so much more than un-comfortable now-a-days
And I just can't seem to get it right with anyone anymore
And I can't seem to fit the words together in the right order anymore
And it seems that no one up here gets me, or even cares to get me
And it isn't much of anything, but all I want is to know someone really gets me.
ALL I WANT IS TO KNOW SOMEONE REALLY GETS ME.

And this blog is the perfect example of everything I can't say
Because I know I won't sleep until I get this finished
But I know that once I push that PUBLISH POST button I'll start to question everything I said
And start to wonder how people will respond
Because a response or not, if you read it that's what you have to say.

And in a few seconds I'll just stop writing and re-read all of this
And start to get sappy
Because the required music is playing
And the required mind-set is in full effect
And it's the right time of the day when nothing makes sense anymore besides getting up and leaving, even though it probably wouldn't do any good
Because it's like the song said, we thought it felt right to take the Westbound signs and just leave town tonight
But it's just like how it felt when we did and I still felt trapped.

So now I'm done writing.
I'm going to get in bed and roll around and think of everything that wasn't said in this, and think about what I should've left out, because I'm ridiculious like that, and I'm more than aware of what I've become and everything I am and not.

"Chris, who are you eating with?"

It's not like it isn't expected, or like it's even a big deal, but it's really starting to get to me. A huge reason why I wanted to go to NAU so bad was so I could be in a completely new environment, and force myself to meet new people, make new friends, and kind of be on my own for a while and see if I could get back to me, because I seriously feel like I lost myself a bit the past few years. I also guess that I'm getting what I asked for, because I am on my own. I go about the usual day to day things on my own, and for the most part, I'm just another face.
It's always easier talking to people when you're with someone else, or there's someone around to bounce things off of. Story telling isn't the same, which is something I always thought was a pretty good strength of mine. But those stories don't come out quite the same when it's just me. And all the goofy two-liners lacking a punchline aren't quite as funny when there isn't someone else to kind of keep them going.
I'm sure once I start working I'll start meeting more people. The people who read this at least have some idea how Starbucks people work, and know that they tend to socialize outside of work, which is kind of what I'm counting on.
I've got fun, casual aquaintances at best when it comes to school people, but nothing more than that because there's no time in between classes to really talk.
Today really got to me in Biology. It's a huge lecture class, stadium seating, you know. And I didn't hear the whole conversation, and to be honest, I didn't hear anything more than a mention of a gold belt. For all I know they could've been saying good things about me, or that they thought the belt was cool or whatever, but I'm feeling a little self concious up here.

I don't intend for this post to be much more than a little vent. I'm not searching for compliments and reassurance, but I won't lie; it's always nice to come back to feedback from people I really care about.
Speaking of people I care about, it's seriously been so great talking to a few of you guys here and there. Even if it isn't on any kind of a regular basis, or for very long, it's always nice.

Love,
Chris

Two Miles

I'm most definitely not two miles away from most everyone anymore. And although it's only two and a half hours at most, it might as well be two and a half worlds away.

Nothing's wrong up here at all, but for the first time in my life, I'm not that guy that everyone knows, and most people love. I'm just another face.

On that same token, it's only been a few days; five to be exact, and I know that first week is usually slow anyways, but man. This kinda stinks. I've talked to people in every class, and I've got fun people to walk to most classes with, but it isn't anything more than a casual aquaintance.

Add the fact that for the first time in YEARS I'm unemployed, and all of this together isn't a very good feeling.

Love, and missing you,
Chris

"I'm making my peace and

making it with distance.

Maybe that's a big mistake."

I just about drowned myself.

Yeah.
Well it looks like I drank too much again. And made all the required phone calls again. Because there's so much I need to say, and a little alcohol goes quite a long way. And maybe if I drink enough, I can get the guts to say enough, and get the mood to cry enough, and be ok to get by on just enough. Because day by day I get less and less and I'm fine with that, because everyone's caught on to everything you do. And a few of us have seen how you're so great at returning favours. And I love how you watched me less than half as much as I carried you last time. And I'm realizing that it was you all along. And always has been. And always will be until I get it all out. Because I'm not the person I used to be. And not someone you can be proud of anymore. Because I'm the person you grew apart from. And I'm that person I used to hate. But at least I'm trying to figure it out. And at least I'm trying to get this right. Because you're as bad as everyone you judge (but so am I). And you're no better than everything you hate (but so am I). So if this is it, and it is on my part, you probably expect a call again in a week or so. But (ideally) I'm not going to try any harder than you anymore. And you've given me no reason to think this means anything to you anymore (anything more than a fantastic way to pass the time at least). And you've said everything's fine, and we all suck it up and act like it is, but we've all been acting for way too long now. Because he heard what she said about that one guy we used to know and she's mad because he stopped calling since he starting hanging out with so and so but so and so is starting to talk to such and such and it's all so petty and (even if you dont know the song) this isn't high school but it's just as bad if not worse because look at how old we all are. And look how immature we've all stayed. And I'm no better than the girls that post those bulletins. And you're no better than the kids who take those pictures. (And I've become as bad as the people that do those drugs) And all of us are as guilty as the people we critize (and those kids who will do anything for a bit of attention, right?) because you're reading this and I'm the one who posted it and say what you will but this is what it's come down to when your (my) best friends are strangers and (I'm/you're) best friends with any given stranger.

You said not to give up on you. For how long? I know I couldn't expect half of that from you.

It's something like being alone in a crowded room.

There hasn't been any specific attack or wrong-doing on anyone's part or anything to give me a reason to think that something is wrong, but I just don't feel like I belong here anymore, and to be completely honest, this feeling isn't anything new, it's just that's a feeling that's pretty much spread across the board now. At first it was just with a few people. Like I said, there wasn't anything specific that happened, but something was missing, and it's finally down to a few very specific people that I feel like I actually belong with, and as much as it sucks, and as much as it seriously breaks my heart, I can say with heart everything I used to stand against, sometimes people just drift apart. I've been on the other side of that statement, so I can see why some people might feel hurt by that, but trust me, you'll realize it's what it is eventually. And don't get me wrong, I've got no problem seeing any of these people anymore, and am all for still hanging out with them, but I just feel like that extra wheel, whatever number you want to call it, and tonight it was the 5th wheel. There's nothing I would like more than to see everything and everyone go back to "how it used to be" but I know that not only is it not possible, it isn't practical or even for the better of anything or anyone.
A while ago someone kind of mentioned that they felt like "the old Chris" checked out when I found out I was going to Flagstaff and I didn't really agree with it at first; at all, but I completely see it now. Not only that, but there are so many things pointing me away from everything in my past, and again, not in a malicious or bitter way, just at a new life, a new future, which is scary, because that whole new thing is something I can't see because I can't predict the future. And maybe "moving on" is just a lame cliche for looking for something new, but there's such a huge world out there full of so many absolutely incredible people, which is really exciting, becuase I won't lie, my friends, yes, even though there's distance they're still my friends, are thorough bred badasses, and knowing more people just as badass, if not more badass, is pretty badass. That's count 'em, THREE badasses in one paragraph. WOW!
'Nuff said.
And maybe people feel like I'm using Flagstaff as an escape method because "it isn't that far" but realisically, I won't be able to hang out with Phoenix people all the time. I'm going to be going to school, and working, and working on getting back in practice for voice lessons, and people will go about their lives here in Phoenix. It isn't anything awful, it's life.
This blog is in no way a "good bye" to anyone, or a subtle way of saying to leave me alone, but is definitely a way to explain why I feel so distant lately or seem kind of detatched.

I might be preaching.

Knowing what's wrong is one thing.
Knowing what's wrong, and what to do to make it right is another thing.
But knowing what's wrong, what to do, and actually doing it is an entirely different struggle.
I'm a Christian.
I'm a Christian, and I have faith in God which is ultimately going to be what saves me, but faith without action is pointless.
I know that there are many aspects of my life that aren't good, not just bad for me physically, but bad for me as a Christian. And I know of quite a few specifics, and I know what I need to do to cut these from my life, but I'm human; I'm a stubborn jackass. I'm scared and my will that used to be so strong isn't anywhere close to what it used to be.
God will forgive me, but again with the ultimately, ultimately it's up to me to take his forgiveness and do something with it.
Life's probably going to suck, and might not be very fun for a while, but nothing NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING on this planet really matters. Everything here is temporary anyways, and unless it's going to make the world a better place, or make people realize how awesome God is, it doesn't matter.
Sure, hanging out with friends, getting wasted, buying really really cool wallets and shirts and stuff, saving up for that amazing house in Northern California is all really fun and cool, but it's nowhere NEAR as cool as all the awesome stuff that's going to be up in Heaven.
It's kind of like saving for retirement. You have to put some stuff aside here and there so that you can have what you need when that times rolls around.

"I'm making my peace, and making it with distance ...

... maybe that's a big mistake. "

I'm so ready to move and start something new. There isn't anything wrong here, and I don't have anything against anyone at all, but I kind of feel like I've just been floating here and there lately. I know that home is where you make it, but I feel so out of place here.
Maybe I'll feel better after I leave for a while, but that's still about three weeks away.
There isn't much I'm going to miss when I leave.

You know that old cliche, history repeats itself ... bla bla bla, yeah, it's true fer sher.

If we go down we go down together unless I get caught first, then it's every man for himself and when I'm the last one standing and you're caught red-handed you know I won't do you the same. And you know that when I'm so last summer you can come back when I'm in season again. It will always be on your terms, but I'll take what I can get.

And you. You're not a phone person but I'm getting so impatient and have become quite the lush. I'll drown myself to flood my thoughts out and watch everything I wanted to say come out in sobs. And I'll walk around and wait for you to call but I keep forgetting your phone's broken but once a week. It's ok. We'll get through it just to make it through the year to another summer.

A few more very general and broad thoughts

I promise I'll post a blog sometime soon that might tie things together a little, but first I want to get some thoughts out in the open.

I've realized growing up that there are a few people who will always have a place in my heart and the hearts of others no matter what happens or how hurt people feel by them.
There are a few situations in my life that probably won't ever get resolved, and that doesn't make them OK by any means, but that's what it is.
Some people call and some people get called. Sometimes the roles change throughout the years, other times they stay the same.
There are very few reasons a friendship should really have an awkward phase, but even fewer instances where it's ok not to talk about some sort of resolution.

I will probably always be one of the sappiest people you will ever know and I'm completely fine looking like a jackass to make sure the people I love know it.

Just a little hypothetical

What do you do when you start questioning everyone who you care about?

So the Ohio trip has come and gone and there's a ton to write about of course

-------So Ohio trip has come and gone and there's a ton to write about of course, but what's been on my mind the most is the interaction between my dad and I. My dad and I don't have a bad relationship by any means, neither of us have really done anything to wrong the other, but it isn't hardly a father/son relationship in my eyes. We talk for a few minutes every few weeks, and I make my way out there every few years for a little less than a week; but that's about it.
During the course of the trip it was pretty clear to me that both of us were trying to make conversation, but that was the problem; we were making conversation which might sound like me just being dramatic or something, but there's definitely a difference between talking and making conversation. Regardless of what was going on, conversation died quickly.
-------I guess that's enough background to have the rest of this make sense.
-------My dad's house was the last stop for us before we headed back to Phoenix, and he had to go to work before we left the house, so we said bye to Katie, Rex, and Tracy, his wife, and then stopped by his work to say bye and it was typical, brief small talk, got directions to Best Buy, and then took a few pictures outside, a little more small talk, and then left and that was such a rough drive. I felt the tears coming up right away which is a big deal because like I've kind of mentioned a few times, tears don't come easy for me, and when they do I usually hold them back. And of course this time was no exception. I wanted to cry so bad, and the tears were falling, but I couldn't let myself cry.
-------There's not much I want more right now than I have a real relationship with my dad. Like I said again, niether of us have wronged the other in any way, and there's no one to blame, just a lot of space and distance.
I'm not really jealous of people who have great relationships with their fathers; but it definitely makes me wish I had one. I'd love to be able to say my dad is my best friend and everything that goes with that.
-------A little side note, I was asked if seeing my dad interact with Rex and Katie, my little brother and little sister out there, got to me and I hadn't really thought about it, but it did. A lot. I've never EVER had that father/son interaction and I don't mean to say I'm someone full of problems and all of that, but everyone most definitely has their quirks, myself included, and I think that's a HUGE part of it. And I'm not the only one who has a situation like this, but of course it's been on my mind a lot and will be for a while.

I'm sure I rambled and wandered through all of the above, so if you want to just get the summary, here you go. The lack of a relationship that my dad and I have absolutely kills me, and really really go to me when we left his office to head home on Thursday. There's no one to blame for it, just a lot of space across country and the distance that comes with that.

Try looking closer to home.

Looking back, nothing is ever really as bad or serious as it seemed at the time. This isn't me being really vague about something more specific, but just a general statement that just popped in to my head that could apply to a few things.
There are a few things that kind of have me worried I guess you could say, mainly one thing, and I'm pretty sure it will blow over like it always does, but then it will eventually happen again. Sure, it's always easier to just let things blow over, nothing is fixed then. This happened once before, and probably will again. This is me being really vague about something more specific, but I'll leave it at that.

I'm probably going to come across as arrogant

But that really really isn't my intention. Nor do I want to come across as judgemental but there are a few things that I've realized the past few weeks. I don't need nice restaurants, over priced alcoholic beverages, or artsy fartsy coffee shops to be happy. And sure, it's fun to get a little obnoxious after drinking too much even though I get super sick and always tell myself I'll drink again. But if I was happy before all of these things, I don't see the point in spending money on these things. Sure, it's nice to go somewhere nice with friends for dinner or for drinks and go have over priced coffee somewhere, but I don't NEED these things to be happy. And instead of getting together with everyone and drinking a little and having fun, just cut the booze and hang out in the backyard, or poolside somewhere and have fun.
This post isn't my most organized or well-thought post, but I realized this a few nights ago, and then again tonight.
And I have no problem going out for drinks, or getting coffee or having a little party here and there, but I really really don't want those things to be a huge part of me.

I'm going to be kind of specific for a second. Last Friday evening a few of us met up at a restaurant called Fez and I had a super good time, and enjoyed the brownie and Martini and company, but I was looking around at some of the other people at the restaurant and at that moment got scared to get old. Not just that, but I don't see myself like the people who were there, not that they're bad people by any means, it's just that I don't identify with the people who were there.
Monday evening was also dinner at Delux and I had a BLAST! And my hamburger was BOMB, and my Martini was super duper good. But it's so over-priced, and SO completely un-necessary. Sure, if it's fun then it's money well-spent, but I can have as much fun for a lot less money; if not more fun.
And I partied harder than I'm too proud of during the past few months. And I had a really good time despite getting really sick afterwards but I just don't need alcohol to be goofy and fun; especially not that much alcohol, that's so ridiculous.

And I know I have friends who really enjoy things and places like this and that's SUPER cool for them. I'm happy they're happy with things like this, but I've always been someone who would much rather go somewhere for ice cream and milkshakes and cheeseburgers, or hanging out at someones house just hanging out. I'm SO happy just hanging out and enjoying the company.
Maybe I'm a little stuck in the past and scared of getting old and doing "grown-up" things.

Again, I don't mean to come across as judgemental or arrogant.

This post ended up kind of pointless. A lot of aimless typing.

-------And this post isn't finished yet, but I do want to get it posted before I get it finished just so I can get my thoughts out to people because for whatever reason, a lot of people in this generation feel a huge need to get their feelings out to everyone; including people they don't know.
-------I realized kind of recently that I have a lot of pretty bad traits, but that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is one in specific, my fear of losing the people closest to me which isn't anything extremely unique, but something huge for me.
-------People seem to have this tendancy of being really random and sporatic with their thoughts, and call me old fashioned, but I think it's usually best to start with the beginning.
-------In 6th grade my mom moved to Las Vegas with her boyfriend on my birthday. I spent all day at home crying, seriously all day, and that was kind of the last time I really really cried and let myself cry. A year and a half later, middle of 7th grade just to be clear, she moved back and she's now pregnant and I was so upset. Who does this guy think he is that he can not only take my mom away, but sleep with her and get her pregnant? No way!
-------Nothing really significant for a few years so fast forward to the summer after high school. This was a pretty big summer, obviously, and it was a definite awkward "where do we go from here" kind of feeling for me, but for others too probably.
-------One of my best friends was kind of hanging out with a new group and I felt kind of left out so I was a huge jackass and did a lot of really immature things such as writing angsty teenage poems about her, calling her names, and just being what people might call a brat.
-------The next summer another friend of mine was kind of doing the same thing, but not intentionally. She had to move up north for school, but she also had a guy friend out of state that I wasn't really a huge fan of, so when she went to see him I did the whole immature thing again including the angsty poems and name calling. Aside from that, I did everything in my mind to make her seem like the worst friend ever, even though I couldn't be farther from the truth.

I had more to get out with this post and there are definite specifics, so there are obviously more thoughts in my head about this subject, or else I wouldn't be writing about it, but I think I'll just leave it be in my notebook.

The Fall of Troy has emo lyrics? No way?

Yeah way for sure.
(I could be the) "picture perfect portrait of a boyfriend, best friend, oh, that's right."
Ouch.

A pet peeve of mine

For WHATEVER reason, un-returned phone calls always have, and still are, one of my biggest pet peeves. They're no big deal, and there's nothing super significant about it, but they get to me so bad for some reason.
That's it.
Nothing more, nothing less.

And this doesn't have anything to do with anything, just sharing an observation.

I had this gut instinct on Monday ...

"This is going to be a fast week, and probably an equally OK week.
Summer is definitely on it's way. And it's more than just summer break, I freaking love summer season.
I hope you have a really good day."

So far my observation/ gut instinct from Monday has been pretty dead on.

(Monday)Yesterday was a really nice AND productive day, a really reassuring afternoon, and even though plans fell through Monday evening; it was super nice out and I made sure I enjoyed it. Krisy and I went to the hospital to go see Alex and he's doing a lot better it sounds like, then we had lunch and Krisy finally had Chipotle's.
(Tuesday)Today was even better.
Weather was super nice out yesterday, but like, 100 times better tonight. HOLY CRAP! Like, it put me in such a great mood, and I already was in a great mood.
Whenever I take the I-17 South now I always pay attnetion to the smell around Jefferson or so, because there's the bread factory there and it always smells so good. And sure enough, tonight they were baking bread, and that with the smell of rain made the night so comfrotable. Went to the bank, sold an old textbook, went to the library, met up with Julio and Tanisha at AJ's, went to Zia with Jared, Johnny, and Melody to get that new Fall of Troy CD.

I'm sure this post reeks of corny, and probably sounds sarcastic or fake, but I seriously have had the awesomest past few days. And I hope it's been as good for you, and still hope you have a really good day.

And another, whatever, random bit of comfort. There's something about the smell of wet dirt that makes this time of the year so comfortable for me.

Just an update of sorts?

Life is good.

Chris Julian made me a copy of the new Fall of Troy CD and I've played it straight through so many times since Wednesday it's so badass.
Work has been really really good lately. Everything that should happen, happens it seems like; which is always nice, but especially during this part of the year.
Summer is definitely on it's way and I'm loving it so bad.
Speaking of summer, Thursday and Friday were two of the best days in quite a while.
I've been to Scottsdale more during the past week than I had any time before which is kind of cool because Scottsdale always smells like wet dirt which equals summer in my books. Not so cool though, because Scottsdale is kind of far, and gas is kind of expensive right now, but driving has always definitely been my biggest vice.
Lots of really good food lately, but I need to take it down a notch for my financial well-being, and for my tight jean well-being.
My mom isn't doing so good, and I'm pretty sure it's going to get worse before it gets better, and that means I'm pretty sure it will get better.

I make time.

Oh Meg Ryan. And scary movies. And bottles of booze.

I didn't have all of the above in my title this evening; but those three are all definitely the subject of this post. Why do people do things they KNOW they're going to regret? I'll go in order I guess.

First, chick flicks/ romantic comedies, whatever you want to call them. I'l be the first to admit that I'm a complete sucker for a good romantic comedy; one of my favourite movies is You've Got Mail(Y.G.M.) 'Nuff said, right? The thought of watching one is so fun, and there are a ton of awesome memories especially associated with Y.G.M., but they rip me apart so bad. Last weekend Krisy and I watched When Harry Met Sally(W.H.M.S.), and it's SUCH a great movie, but I was so absolutely heart broken during and after it, and it made me question everything I ever thought about when it comes to having someone as more than a friend in my life, and even though Sleepless In Seattle (S.I.S.) wasn't as good as W.H.M.S. there were definitely parts of it that hard me in pieces. I won't say in tears because I don't really let anything more than a few tears fall, but man was I sappy. All of this sad sad sad, why do I watch chick flicks so much? Do I get some sort of enjoyment out of being super sad??

Ok, now scary movies. Same thing basically, only being super scared and grosed out. I ALWAYS say during any given really grose scary movie that I'll NEVER see one of these again, but I always do and I get mad at the movie, and I get upset with myself for being such a wimp, and I get frustrated at the fact that I'm watching one again.
Lastly, drinking way too much. While getting a little intoxicated is really fun and I become a complete goofball, it's so un-necessary. I seriously have a blast without booze in my system, and while I'm drinking even though I'm having fun, I feel like complete garbagge. And I get sappy, and make stupid phone calls, and wish everyone the best of life at God awful hours of the morning. And just like scary movies, I get mad at myself, and at the situation, and tell myself NEVER AGAIN, but as soon as I take a sip it's all downhill.

There wasn't much else to this post. Nothing super sappy or serious, just writing about three things in my life that can be super fun sometimes, but I most always regret it later.

Just a light hearted "good day" post,

because today really has been a super nice day so far. I was in bed by midnight and was awake by about 9:30 so I sat out in the backyard and had a bowl of Frosted Flakes and an apple for breakfast. After that I started to get my loan stuff taken care of, and then started to get ready for my day.

Went to coffee, got a little mini-budget set up, went to the practice rooms at GCC for a while, went to Starbucks times two to get my tips which ended up in a nice two mile walk from 16th Street and Camelback to 24th Street and Camelback, and back. Got tickets for the concert to be at this Friday, then went home. When I got home I saw my grandparents were gone so I got my iPod, got my short shorts on, and went in the backyard to sit out in the sun for a while.

That's all. Nothing super serious.

I hope your day has been as good as mine so far.

"It will never be two summers ago again." I kind of start to ramble towards the end of this.

I really needed to hear that. It isn't something that's very comfortable or that I wanted to hear, but it's something I need to be ok with.There's more to this coming, but I wanted to make sure that I got this out before I forgot to post this.

I'm someone who's probably always been looked at as being stuck in the past, and might even be looked at like that for a long time. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this way, but for me it feels like everything was so much simpler a few years ago, whether it be two summers ago or high school. Sure, everyone had the same basic schedule, you knew you'd be seeing your good friends at least a few times during almost any given week, and you knew that most everyone had the weekend off. That next school year was a super comfortable time for me, there was a ska show almost every weekend during the first half of that year, my freshman year of college, and when my grandparents started going out of town on a regular basis over weekends it was movie night at the house, no questions asked. Up until Starbucks, first part of April, I was off by 6:00 every night and had every weekend off, it was so simple. The summer after that year was the summer of '05 and it was one of the most secure times of my life. It might've only been about three months, but those three months meant the world to me, and still do. That next year was a rough one. Krisy was up in Flagstaff, and for a huge chunk of that year I was kind of off on my own. I got to see people every now and then, but as far as having a consistent person to spend time with and talk with it was a rough year. The times I did get to see Krisy were great though.

Last night was the Brand New concert and I'm pretty sure since I know I have a few close friends reading this, you know how much I love Brand New; but it's so much more than the music, it's like ska shows, it's everything associated with Brand New that totally has me hooked, and even more so, their song Soco Amaretto Lime. If I had to have one song as my theme song that would be it for sure. Anyway, long story short, Brand New didn't play Soco and I was pretty bummed out, but that's when the whole "it will never be two summers ago again" thing happened. I'm sure Steven didn't mean anything super massive or serious by that, but it's definitely been on my mind all day. That line could easily work for anyone with any given time frame. Everyone has a time of life they'd love to go back to, a time where everything felt safe and secure, and I'm someone who still has a hard time kind of moving on I guess you could say.

If I had to sum this up in one big scentence for you to read, and know what I'm talking about without having to read all of the above, is that I've realized once again that I'm stuck on times in my past that seemed more comfortable and secure than times today, but I need to be ok with leaving the past in the past so I can enjoy the times today. That doesn't mean I'm going to forget about things that happened, I'm all for telling stories and laughing about the "oh remember when's" that I never get tired of, but there's so much life ahead of me to live and enjoy.

Quarter life crisis much??

Love,
Chris

I'm not really a morning person

So I'm going to blame my crappy day on lack of sleep, because everything seems to feel that much worse when I don't get enough sleep. It isn't like anything really bad happened, but every little tiny thing that did happen felt a million times worse.
I'm going to give a pretty detailed play by play of my day
-Woke up at 4:45AM, out of the house by 5:10AM, get to 24th Street and Camelback, no one's there; it says they're open for business at 5:30.
-Go across the street to check that Starbucks and they're still opening, they should also be open for business by now
-Go back to the original store and I see a guy sitting there waiting for work and he says the manager is on his way, it should be a half hour or so, by the time it's about 6:15. I was supposed to start working at 6, store should've opened 45 minutes ago.
-Sit and enjoy the sunrise, write in my notebook, and listen to my iPod; two songs on repeat for a good 45 minutes or so. This part was actually really really enjoyable
-Work 7:something to noon, no big deal.
-Nap 12:45-1:15 at the latest, man I was tired too but couldn't stay asleep.
-Go to an apartment by GCC to go swimming/ lay out in the sun but THERE WERE NO STINKING POOL CHAIRS! What kind of pool doesn't have pool chairs?
-Go to coffee and get my drink and CRAP! I FORGOT MY DEBIT CARD. So it was free and I owe her tomorrow.
-Get home at 3:30 or something and BORED BORED BORED
-Church at 7-8:45 or so
-Drive/ Tempe/ Melody's Feliz Cumpleanos/ golf course by my church until about 11:50 or so and that brings my to right now.

So all in all, today wasn't a bad day by any means, it was overcast, warm breeze, it should've been all things awesome but I was seriously in one of the worst moods ever all day basically, and I'm going to bed now and tomorrow is Friday and payday and work and camo party and it's going to be a freaking awesome day.

Life is good (the extended version.)

Living the good life paycheck to paycheck, weekend to weekend. Despite the fact that I have less than ten dollars the day before most paydays, and I've been single for way too long, all is pretty much well in the world of Chris. Brand New is in less than a week, I've got funny tan lines again, my hair is short, the weather has been amazing; enough said.
This kind of feels like the calm before the storm for me, and I know that's very cliche, but that's how I feel, so I'm trying my hardest to enjoy every day because even though it's quite a ways away, I'm not looking forward to not being able to be here every weekend when I go up to Flagstaff.
I genuinely hope life has been as good for you, whoever you are reading this.Summer is fast on its way, and even though I haven't been in school this semester, I'm so ready for summer and everything that goes along with it. T-Minus 5 weeks until summer break, give or take a week, right?

The last of a dying breed.

Life Is Good

Living the good life paycheck to paycheck, weekend to weekend.

The last of a dying breed.

I guess I can get a little sappy sometimes

I want to be able to give someone a hug and never have to let go. I want to lay down in a bed next to someone and that's all. I want to feel the warmth of someone else when it's cold. I want to cuddle, and hold hands, and all those sappy things that I like to make fun of. I want someone who will do all the little geeky things I do for my friends. I want someone to notice all the little things. I want someone to call me and say, "hey, I was just calling to see how your day was going." or stop by, just to stop by.
It's kind of lame that I'm 21 years old and still haven't gone on a real date, haven't had a real kiss, never held hands, never cuddled, never put my arm around someone during a movie, never laid in bed with someone, and never had anyone in my life as more than just a friend. I know I can be a big goofball sometimes, and I've kind of always said I don't want to have anything to do with most of these things, but over the years I've really started wanting all of these to be a part of my life. Sure, good things come to those who wait, but seems a little ridiculious, ya know?
I guess that was all for this one.
Right now I'd even just settle for a hug with both arms.

Just an observation

I've noticed that as I get older I learn that the term "best friend" goes far beyond fun text messages and good conversation. "Best friend" means still being friends after the awkward nights and weeks without talking. "Best friends" don't have to hang out every single night and talk every single day. And even though I know all of this, through experience and spoken word, I can get shaken to the core in an instant after anything less than awesome. And I know this isn't a characteristic to be proud of, it's a part of me and that's that. I'm insecure and I need reassurance ocassionally. I'm needy and like to talk on the phone sometimes. And I'm a sucker for hanging out, so I can take it kind of personally sometimes if I don't get to see my friends very much, or if it's anything less than awesome. All of these are aspects of my personality that I would love to change but no one is perfect, and in my opinion, these aren't really flaws, just things that make me who I am.
I know that I might seem a little clingy, or almost even "high maintenance", but to the that have put up with these little quirks of mine, I seriously want you to know how much it absolutely means to me. I love all of my friends with all of my heart, but especially a few friends that have stuck around over all of these years and all of my non-sense.
And I know that I've posted blogs like this before, and I never want my words to lose their meaning by saying it so much, but I also want to make sure I always let people how much they mean to me. I don't ever want to die without someone knowing what they mean to me.

And on a not so fun topic. There are some times and events and situations in life that cause relationships to drift apart. It isn't always personal, sometimes it's just time for a new chapter in life. I don't know specifically what the future holds in store, but I do know that this next year, calendar and school year, is going to bring a LOT of changes in my life and the life of the people around me. And I'm going to need to tell myself that some things happen in life aren't personal and I'll need to reassure myself a lot that "best friends" are still there after a few weird patches. I might need some reassurance from you too, you being whoever you are reading this, but you in a more specific sense, you as a few specific people who absolutely mean the world to me.

Sorry for such a lengthy post, but I had a lot to get out I guess.

Love (seriously),
Chris

Oh random late night mediocre poetry

And I don't care where I go anymore
Because I'm out of my house and you're off of my mind
And for a few more miles I'll get that funny tan
-and sing out loud to all the songs that break my heart
-and lay my hat on the ground and let my hair get messy
Because today could've been the greatest but my passenger seat was empty
And today could've been the greatest but there was no one to sing with
And I don't care where I go anymore
-Or how much gas I waste
Because I'm out of my house but all alone (I know, it's really not that serious, right?)
And if I disappear for a while, tell me you'll still be there
-But if not, that's the way it goes, right?
(Friday the 9th or something)

There's something that's got my stomach in knots
Something about this month
And it's more than the funny tan-lines and wrinkled backs of shirts
And something about this month doesn't seem quite right
Something more than already warm evening drives and sleeping on the floor
And it's spring break season
An inevitable prelude to the summer
-And we all know what that means and it isn't looking too good
But we all told ourselves and the ones we love that it's for the best
And that someday all of this would make sense
-This is all worth it someday, right?
Well you're no exception to that and neither am I
And if I disappear for a while, maybe we can put that to the test
And maybe
-Just maybe
I can finally put you to rest
And everything about this town that haunts me like a ghost
-And I know that's about as cliche as that Brand New line
But some things are said over and over for a reason
(March 11th)

Oh Friday, you kill me so bad. Summer's defo here in full effect.

The past few Fridays have really got to me for some reason. Today was payday, so it was my day to wake up fairly early in my books, and get stuff done. Did the usual routine, got my paycheck, deposited it, payed the car loan, and then went to GCC for a while and then went to coffee. After all that was finished I was done, so I should've gone home probably, but it was barely after noon, and the weather has been incredible so far today, a little warm by March standards, but still, a really nice day to be out and it seriously broke my heart. There's nothing I'd rather do on a day like this than just spend time with someone, and I'm not using the work "someone" to be vague, but just seriously someone. It's kind of funny that the days that should be absolutely amazing are the days that really get to me.

Oh how I love the weekend. This one might reek of "corny" but keep in mind who's writing it.

It seems that no matter how awful a week might seem everything's ok once the weekend hits. Before I go on about the weekend, I'm going to say that I had another "crucial" week of sorts. Nothing life-changing again in a dramatic sense, but I realized a lot of things this week.
I also realized that I can't freaking talk for beans anymore. I stumble over my words so bad which has always been a little thing that kind of irked me but it's getting so bad lately. I'm sure anyone who has talked with me lately, duh, has noticed this. And I should probably go to the doctor because I noticed on Saturday that I'm getting really bad shakes in my hands. I was pouring espresso shots in the shot glasses at work and noticed my hands were shaking a lot. And today when I was hanging out with Krisy I went to go put a CD in my CD player slot and noticed my hands shaking again. Maybe too much coffee?
That's all. I had a lot more in here about my realizations but I couldn't organize my thoughts enough for a blog so I've got it saved as a draft.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Oh oh oh! NAU audition. Saturday. 2:10. Hollerrr!

Oh Friday

Another potentially amazing day spent with the company of myself.
I was productive, rushed, drove way too fast with the windows down, wore my hood, rocked out, took a nap, and now it's almost time for work then get-together at Katie's.
Monday could've been awesome too but I couldn't afford the gas to go anywhere, and everyone else had to work it seemed like.
I'm hoping next week rocks, but if not, I'll settle for mediocre.
Have a good one.
-Chris

A little un-original, but I'm fine with that

And so it is just like you said it never would be
And we'll all forget about all of this and everything that was said
And by summer's end you'll be a stranger again
And we'll fight so hard to keep it the same

But when it's been so long there's so much to share
And when it's been so long it all comes flying out
-But I'll bite my tongue for one more night
-And I'll pretend that this is all that I need
-And I'll keep telling myself there's something out there for me
--Something outside all of this

Because there's a huge world and so much to see
And a huge world full of so many people
That sky looked so big
And there had to be someone else looking at it
-Wondering where I am
-Wondering what's taking so long
There's got to be someone out there
--But it isn't you

There needs to be some sort of bigger picture

Life has still been really good since my last post, and just in general. I'm pretty sure I'm just about done being sick, and I'm feeling good about my audition coming up.
The past few nights have been ... I don't want to say crucial because that sounds so serious, but I've done a lot of thinking. Nothing super serious or life changing in specific, but just little realizations and I realized that instead of looking at life and how I feel about it on a day by day, if not minute by minute basis, I should be looking at it on a much larger scale, because even with a few rough patches here and there, I've had a really really great life so far and I'm so thankful for that.
I guess that's it?
Yeah.
Have a really good day, it's almost Friday which means THE WEEKEND! "Everybody's working for the weekend ..."

Something I wrote a while ago

I wrote this a little over a year ago, January 2, 2006, and just thought I'd put it up for anyone to read, it's a feel-good post for me because tonight was a very lonely kind of evening, probably because I'm tired and kind of head-cold/ish.
When its never enough, and no one seems to care. And all you need to hear is "its ok" but you feel all alone, I promise you're not, someone's always thinking about you.
When its never enough, and too close to home, but it's still so far away. When you're life is full of strangers I promise you can come home to me.
When you want to give up and life has no purpose anymore, nothing to look forward to. When the past was so bright but the future looks so dark I promise I'll walk through it with you.
When you forgot how to smile and screams choke out the laughs. When those tears aren't from laughter I promise I'll do my best to make you laugh, and teach you how to smile again.
And when you can't fake it hard enough to please anyone you can count on me to be a phone call away "just to talk" and share a laugh or two.
I promise you I'll never leave you. You're never alone
And through the eternal silence and awkward strangers, bright pasts, dark futures and feeling homeless, know I'm right there next to you. We're going to make it out alive. All of us.

Using "Blog Spot" again for a while I guess.

Went to California with Steven from Thursday January 25th to Tuesday January 30th and it was incredible.
I bought the new Damien Rice CD on Wednesday and we played it at work on Wednesday and I started crying. I woke up Thursday, home alone so I played it loud and cried again. Friday on the way to GCC I was playing it and got teary-eyed again. Today I got my car washed by people funding someone's funeral who was killed in an accidental shooting and I was talking to his mother and got teary-eyed.
I haven't cried this much since my great grandma Echkardt's funeral.

I'll never be able to say how much my friends mean to me, even the people I don't talk to as much as I used to.

I'm going to assume no one is reading this because I haven't used this in ages, but if you are, thanks for taking an interest in my life.