Duet for Basson and Tenor.

No matter ... I'm going to take you down with one little stone. I'm going to break you down and see what you're worth, what you're really worth to me.

Whatever will be, will be.

Young and Hot

I don't want to get old and feel like I wasted my youth. I want to be really irresponsible and trashy before I get too old. And I want to be comfortable enough with myself that I can actually get some action. And I want to make a move on someone.

And I want to be more than a peacemaker.
I want someone to take interest, and invest.
I want to be more than transitional. I want to stay over, and invite over. I want to settle down, and make my home. I want a family. I want more than a room and mailing address.

I want to feel like I belong, and fit in.

Life as of late

Is good. Terribly good. Tragic. Tragically good. When I head back down I'll finish this.

405 West Phoenix

I'd love to leave you behind me like the counless miles we've traveled together.
No.
More like the dirty, yellow Sperrys I left behind at 405 West Phoenix because I didn't care enough to go back.
But, you're more like the Buckeyes hat I left behind with Rex in Ohio two years ago.

I've yet to find a hat to replace it.
And you're much more like the Classics I bought two years ago that I just can't seem to get rid of.
I've yet to leave you behind like the countless miles we've traveled together.

Just in general,

when you feel really lonely, and all alone, and on your own, like, completely by yourself, everything kind of feels incredibly pointless.
That's all.

Love,
Chris

"So, I think I owe it to you, Dad .."

For about a decade or so I had been too busy for a girlfriend to my family in Ohio. Driving away from my dad two years absolutely crushed me, and wasn't sure I ever really wanted to go out to Ohio again, or for a really long time at least. There was too much between us, in my mind, to just turn my back on that whole part of the family, but not enough to really make and keep any kind of connection, or even conversation. First semester of this last school year killed me again; my dad flat out asked where I saw myself after school, which is fine: grad. school, certifications, teaching, working, and then he asked about MARRIAGE, and I felt awful keeping him in the dark for so long; I had to tell him. At the last possible moment, after everyone but my dad and I had gone to bed on Sunday I innitiated a pretty serious conversation, starting with how much I appreciate what he's done for me.

BIG RE-CAP. OF MY PAST WITH MY DAD
I'm the product of a one night stand, flat out. My mom went ahead and had me, obviously, and my had seriously stepped up to the plate, and did his part to take care of me from Ohio, against the advice of his parents. In first grade my dad came out to Phoenix to see me at school, and then spend a few days with me, and aside from a few letters and phone calls, that was it until 5th grade, which is when my dad's wife, Tracy, thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I fly out there. I guess there was a huge scramble on my grandparents' part to make sure the family out there knew who I was, and even that I existed, 'cause I had never really been mentioned up until that point. Long story short, I started going out to Ohio every other summer from this point on, my dad came out for my high school graduation, and talked to him on the phone maybe once or twice a month, but there wasn't ever a really strong bond between him and I.

END OF THE BIG RECAP

After the appreciation dialogue, my dad's last glass of wine, and my beer, I knew it was my only chance to get it out there, so said something along the lines of, "so I guess I owe it to you, Dad, I'm gay." and braced for the worst.
"Are you sure??"
-Yeah, Dad.
"You're sure??"
-Yeah.
"Wow."
That was pretty close to verbatim I imagine.

The dialogue went on between us for a while, and somehow, eventually marraige was brought up which is what solidified everything for me, my dad told me that he would support me with whatever decisions I make in the future, which is absolutely incredible. For anyone who doesn't know my dad, or much about my dad, basically everyone out there, he, and the rest of the family out there, is fairly conservative, and extremely religious; this could've been a complete landslide, I had no idea what to expect, but braced myself for the worst.

So that's that. Back in Phoenix when I was unpacking I gave my grandparents a, "by the way guys, you know I'm gay, right?"
-Yeah.

"What if I

told you I was (still) in love with this."

"... it doesn't make it any better ..."

My best days may be behind me. And, I might not ever quite fit in like I did, and want to. I don't mean fit in, "assimilate" or anything super heavy like that, I mean just have a core group of friends to go to. I might not ever have the feeling of knowing I've got someone I can call to hang out with or talk to all of the time. I know I've talked quite a bit about these topics on here lately, but they've been on my mind, the front of my mind, almost constantly since I came up here. I try to tell myself that once you get over it, accept the facts, things will get easier but that hasn't been the case.
I'll end like I do a lot.
Maybe it's that you're in Mexico, Flg is a ghost town, and you aren't talking to me. Maybe my jeans are too small. Maybe the coffee was too weak. Whatever the case may be, I'm having to fight harder and harder every day.


P.S.
I didn't make the music education program; again. I don't have any specifics yet, but they did mention that they felt I should stick with the BA program. I'm going to send out an email to the entire voice facutly just to get some answers, reasons, and clarification on things before I make any decisions.

A little morbid, but it's cool.

So here I go, it's been on my head for a solid year and a half now, and been my main thought process for about a year and a half or so, all of this is so trivial.
Every single happening, interaction, going about in the world is just to pass the time until we die, essentially. This is terribly morbid and what have you, but it's been my complete mind set for a while now. I find it creeping in almost every aspect of my life, no matter what I'm doing, and as a result, it's completely shattered my faith, among other things.
There really isn't much more to this right now, or maybe in general, and I really think my thought process could change, but that's this for now.

Chris, who HAVE you pursued??

So I kind of got called out the other night. Two of my roommates and I were having dinner, and after I made a comment, and dug myself into a hole at least knee deep, the above mentioned question was proposed. I'm sure nothing big or serious was meant by it by any means, but it really got my attention, 'cause it's so true and so appropiate. There wasn't much else I wanted to put into this post, but there's going to be another one coming up in a few days.

Love,
Chris

Structural downbeat, a huge V/ , essentially, here it comes.

A pinecone drop, and a rushed, awkward, ill-placed peck.
How anti-climactic. The pinecone drop completely followed suit with the rest of the year. So much of this entire year was a huge build up, a “structural downbeat” as Dr. Reibrich would’ve said no doubt, but never quite hit after that build up. Whether it was school, or a party, or a new house, or what have you, this whole year was so mundane I feel like. This post unintentionally ties into my last one, that maybe that excitement in general is kind of over, even if just for a while. Or maybe it’s the town itself, and let’s be real for two seconds, the fact that hundreds of people gathered downtown to watch a PINECONE drop. ‘nuff said, right? Maybe I just need to get it together, and make my own hits after the buildup. Regardless of what kind of atmosphere and expectations I’m creating in my head for ‘09, I’ve got a lot to get done during this first part of it.
I’ve got auditions, again, for the music ed. program, and some serious expectations for myself to live up to. If I pulled my grades last semester with absolutely no effort at all, I can’t imagine how well I could do if I actually went to class, and did the work outside of class. If I were to actually practice my music, I could be incredible. But all sappiness aside, in all seriousness, I’ve got a lot on my plate in my mind to get taken care of.
Here’s to home away from home, and keeping someone around just to have someone to kiss when the clock hit 0:00:00, and an ‘09 that might’ve been upstaged by good ol’ Britney’s VMA performance, what was it, two years ago?? I don’t even know.

Here's to pointless one-liners that are clever at best once in a blue moon. Here's to quite possibly being the biggest douche bag in history. My track record, lack there of, and complete flops sure prove me correct.