Two Miles

I'm most definitely not two miles away from most everyone anymore. And although it's only two and a half hours at most, it might as well be two and a half worlds away.

Nothing's wrong up here at all, but for the first time in my life, I'm not that guy that everyone knows, and most people love. I'm just another face.

On that same token, it's only been a few days; five to be exact, and I know that first week is usually slow anyways, but man. This kinda stinks. I've talked to people in every class, and I've got fun people to walk to most classes with, but it isn't anything more than a casual aquaintance.

Add the fact that for the first time in YEARS I'm unemployed, and all of this together isn't a very good feeling.

Love, and missing you,
Chris

"I'm making my peace and

making it with distance.

Maybe that's a big mistake."

I just about drowned myself.

Yeah.
Well it looks like I drank too much again. And made all the required phone calls again. Because there's so much I need to say, and a little alcohol goes quite a long way. And maybe if I drink enough, I can get the guts to say enough, and get the mood to cry enough, and be ok to get by on just enough. Because day by day I get less and less and I'm fine with that, because everyone's caught on to everything you do. And a few of us have seen how you're so great at returning favours. And I love how you watched me less than half as much as I carried you last time. And I'm realizing that it was you all along. And always has been. And always will be until I get it all out. Because I'm not the person I used to be. And not someone you can be proud of anymore. Because I'm the person you grew apart from. And I'm that person I used to hate. But at least I'm trying to figure it out. And at least I'm trying to get this right. Because you're as bad as everyone you judge (but so am I). And you're no better than everything you hate (but so am I). So if this is it, and it is on my part, you probably expect a call again in a week or so. But (ideally) I'm not going to try any harder than you anymore. And you've given me no reason to think this means anything to you anymore (anything more than a fantastic way to pass the time at least). And you've said everything's fine, and we all suck it up and act like it is, but we've all been acting for way too long now. Because he heard what she said about that one guy we used to know and she's mad because he stopped calling since he starting hanging out with so and so but so and so is starting to talk to such and such and it's all so petty and (even if you dont know the song) this isn't high school but it's just as bad if not worse because look at how old we all are. And look how immature we've all stayed. And I'm no better than the girls that post those bulletins. And you're no better than the kids who take those pictures. (And I've become as bad as the people that do those drugs) And all of us are as guilty as the people we critize (and those kids who will do anything for a bit of attention, right?) because you're reading this and I'm the one who posted it and say what you will but this is what it's come down to when your (my) best friends are strangers and (I'm/you're) best friends with any given stranger.

You said not to give up on you. For how long? I know I couldn't expect half of that from you.

It's something like being alone in a crowded room.

There hasn't been any specific attack or wrong-doing on anyone's part or anything to give me a reason to think that something is wrong, but I just don't feel like I belong here anymore, and to be completely honest, this feeling isn't anything new, it's just that's a feeling that's pretty much spread across the board now. At first it was just with a few people. Like I said, there wasn't anything specific that happened, but something was missing, and it's finally down to a few very specific people that I feel like I actually belong with, and as much as it sucks, and as much as it seriously breaks my heart, I can say with heart everything I used to stand against, sometimes people just drift apart. I've been on the other side of that statement, so I can see why some people might feel hurt by that, but trust me, you'll realize it's what it is eventually. And don't get me wrong, I've got no problem seeing any of these people anymore, and am all for still hanging out with them, but I just feel like that extra wheel, whatever number you want to call it, and tonight it was the 5th wheel. There's nothing I would like more than to see everything and everyone go back to "how it used to be" but I know that not only is it not possible, it isn't practical or even for the better of anything or anyone.
A while ago someone kind of mentioned that they felt like "the old Chris" checked out when I found out I was going to Flagstaff and I didn't really agree with it at first; at all, but I completely see it now. Not only that, but there are so many things pointing me away from everything in my past, and again, not in a malicious or bitter way, just at a new life, a new future, which is scary, because that whole new thing is something I can't see because I can't predict the future. And maybe "moving on" is just a lame cliche for looking for something new, but there's such a huge world out there full of so many absolutely incredible people, which is really exciting, becuase I won't lie, my friends, yes, even though there's distance they're still my friends, are thorough bred badasses, and knowing more people just as badass, if not more badass, is pretty badass. That's count 'em, THREE badasses in one paragraph. WOW!
'Nuff said.
And maybe people feel like I'm using Flagstaff as an escape method because "it isn't that far" but realisically, I won't be able to hang out with Phoenix people all the time. I'm going to be going to school, and working, and working on getting back in practice for voice lessons, and people will go about their lives here in Phoenix. It isn't anything awful, it's life.
This blog is in no way a "good bye" to anyone, or a subtle way of saying to leave me alone, but is definitely a way to explain why I feel so distant lately or seem kind of detatched.

I might be preaching.

Knowing what's wrong is one thing.
Knowing what's wrong, and what to do to make it right is another thing.
But knowing what's wrong, what to do, and actually doing it is an entirely different struggle.
I'm a Christian.
I'm a Christian, and I have faith in God which is ultimately going to be what saves me, but faith without action is pointless.
I know that there are many aspects of my life that aren't good, not just bad for me physically, but bad for me as a Christian. And I know of quite a few specifics, and I know what I need to do to cut these from my life, but I'm human; I'm a stubborn jackass. I'm scared and my will that used to be so strong isn't anywhere close to what it used to be.
God will forgive me, but again with the ultimately, ultimately it's up to me to take his forgiveness and do something with it.
Life's probably going to suck, and might not be very fun for a while, but nothing NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING on this planet really matters. Everything here is temporary anyways, and unless it's going to make the world a better place, or make people realize how awesome God is, it doesn't matter.
Sure, hanging out with friends, getting wasted, buying really really cool wallets and shirts and stuff, saving up for that amazing house in Northern California is all really fun and cool, but it's nowhere NEAR as cool as all the awesome stuff that's going to be up in Heaven.
It's kind of like saving for retirement. You have to put some stuff aside here and there so that you can have what you need when that times rolls around.