Ok, last night some friends and I were hanging out and talking and it was a pretty amazing time even though all we did was sit in front of Starbucks for about an hour. And it wasn't the kind of amazing like the feeling of getting ice cream then getting new CDs with your best friend, it was the kind of amazing that like, makes you aware of so much you had no idea existed.
Before I get going in any of this there is no angry, bitter, or hurt tone intended. It might seem a little "drier" than my usual expressive and somewhat lighthearted tone but I'm just being very real and straight forward in this. I know one, if not more, person who was part of the talk last night reads this, so thanks. Last night opened up my eyes to an entirely new side of me.
It all started when I brough up a blog I was going to post about my thoughts on homosexuality and my faith, which is something I've thought about and almostquestioned for years, but I won't touch on that right now. My friend Gina started asking me a lot of questions, not attacking me or anything, just trying to understand what I was thinking and I realized that I don't really have anything to base all of this on, which isn't really terrible, but all of the questions people had made me realize that I have no idea who I am at all, I thought I had myself all figured out for a while but after last night I was obviously totally wrong.
Someone said they thought I was so used to feeling down and sad that I don't know how to be happy and have fun but that couldn't be farther from the truth, maybe not the having fun part, but for the most part I'm perfectly content just being by myself. I absolutely love my friends and would have no problem hanging out with any of them, but I feel so out of place now. And it isn't just with specific people anymore like it was for a while, just in general. I feel like as I'm gradually getting more in to school and trying to work more I'm missing out on times with friends so I'm missing all the inside jokes and stories, so I take full responsibility for that. Back to the school and work thing I think I'm finally getting my priorities straight, although I might be missing out on good times with friends, I know that the people who really matter and really care will still be there when I get a change to hang out, they'll understand that my school is one of my main priorities and that I need to work to get it paid for, whenever I move out I'm going to need money saved up for those "just in case" things which is what some peole don't get I think. Some people don't know what it's like to have to work for the money you need it feels like. Try working for the money you need and going to school and you'll see why I can be so tight with my spending.
I was also told that I put up walls when it comes to 'meeting' people, but that I'm far from alone in that, which is definitely the truth. Last night it toally hit me that I'm afraid of everything the world has to offer, and might take away which I think I briefly touched on in my last post. It seems like my biggest fear is losing the people I've gone through so much with which absolutely terrifies me. Not just that, but I've seen so many relationships go so bad, they haven't all been nothing but bad, but I've seen so many friends go through stuff that I don't want to have to deal with in my own life, ya know? I was also told that someone thinks that I lost the person I hold closest to me a while ago which kind of hurt. It didn't hurt that they said it, but it hurt because I can kind of see where they're coming from on that.
Here goes another new chapter in the life of Yours Truely. Another eppiphany before another year of school. Hang out to the people closest to you and make sure you tell them everything every chance you get because before you know it they could be just another stranger in an unfamiliar group and it's too late because so much has changed that you could't ever possibly go back.
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