Plan B

I don't want to sound like I'm mad at what I feel is the usual routine but I am a little bitter about it. I've almost always felt like the "Plan B" for people; not everyone, and not anyone in specific but just here and there I feel like I'm mostly the, "ok, well so and so is busy so I'll call Chris." Which isn't ok but if that's the only way I'll get to see my friends then so be it. A phone call tonight was a very "Plan B" moment for me. I'm not sure if that's how it was intended but it felt like that to me. Person A called Person B, person B didn't answer their phone so Person A called me and quickly said, "hold on for a minute", or something along those lines and then put me on hold and called Person B. Again, I'm not mad at anyone but I really do feel like the Plan B sometimes...more often than not. Tonight Gina and I had a great talk again. She's too much badass.
This part below was originally from a private post.
The subject has nothing to do with the poem below. The plan b subject is because Steven called me earlier tonight because him and Julio didn't know what to do when they were hanging out so they called me. Wouldn't it be really cool if people called people because they wanted to hang out with someone and not just because they don't know what else to do? The poem is about, Krisy obviously. I think this will be the first of a few blogs to keep private just as a journal. It seems easier to sit and type then it does to write. I'm definitely ready to move somewhere A.S.A.P. I just don't really feel like I "click" with anyone here anymore. Krisy is back up in Flagstaff now and outside of work the people I see on the most consistent basis are Gina and Julio and occasionally Steven. Maybe once school gets going everything will smooth out. I really do hope Krisy and I can be great friends again. Times are most of the time rediculiously amazing and she is by far one of the most amazing people ever but it's felt sorta weird lately, probably nothing. I guess things aren't bad between us, but when you're used to laugh a minute stomach killing nights anything less than that can seem sorta scary. Gina is prettytoo cool too. I really wish her and I talked more and spending time with her AND Julio is a total laugh a minute. I'm sure I look like a total gloom with them but it really is fun. It's always funny to look back at how you become friends with people and how unlikely your best friends seem. There is no way when I met Krisy back in 8th grade I saw us being such amazing friends. Same for Katie and I. Her and I started talking via good old AOL Instant Messenger and over the course of a few weeks or months, whatever it was, we clicked and she's been an amazing friend for me ever since then. Sure we've had our whatever-you-wanna-call-thems but who doesn't? Julio has totally surprised me too. At first in high school him and I didn't really like each other ... at all but one day via good old AIM again we started talking and somehow during the last half of senior year we became really good friends and even more so last summer. Steven, Erika, and Chris are three people I really wish I got to spend time with just because of how absolutely cool they can be, and how rare it is for us to really talk anymore, ya know? Some people might seem questionable now but at one point things were great, ya know?Someday. And once again were separated by time and spaceWe'll go back to our old routinesAnd oh how we'll miss each other by the months endIt's always so much easier to say hi when its been so long The things left unsaid come flying out with such ease when you're so far goneAnd I hate to say it so I never willBut we both missed our one last chanceWe drove and droveWe passed the point of no return and never said a word And once again were separated by space and timeAnd I'm forever choked by things left unsaidYou're so far gone but so am I and I already lost everything I was and had to hold on toI already lost the one person who really mattered anymore.August 26, 2006 3:41 pm 16th street and bethany starbucks.

You know that saying that goes something like, "stand for something or you'll fall for anything"?

Ok, last night some friends and I were hanging out and talking and it was a pretty amazing time even though all we did was sit in front of Starbucks for about an hour. And it wasn't the kind of amazing like the feeling of getting ice cream then getting new CDs with your best friend, it was the kind of amazing that like, makes you aware of so much you had no idea existed.
Before I get going in any of this there is no angry, bitter, or hurt tone intended. It might seem a little "drier" than my usual expressive and somewhat lighthearted tone but I'm just being very real and straight forward in this. I know one, if not more, person who was part of the talk last night reads this, so thanks. Last night opened up my eyes to an entirely new side of me.
It all started when I brough up a blog I was going to post about my thoughts on homosexuality and my faith, which is something I've thought about and almostquestioned for years, but I won't touch on that right now. My friend Gina started asking me a lot of questions, not attacking me or anything, just trying to understand what I was thinking and I realized that I don't really have anything to base all of this on, which isn't really terrible, but all of the questions people had made me realize that I have no idea who I am at all, I thought I had myself all figured out for a while but after last night I was obviously totally wrong.
Someone said they thought I was so used to feeling down and sad that I don't know how to be happy and have fun but that couldn't be farther from the truth, maybe not the having fun part, but for the most part I'm perfectly content just being by myself. I absolutely love my friends and would have no problem hanging out with any of them, but I feel so out of place now. And it isn't just with specific people anymore like it was for a while, just in general. I feel like as I'm gradually getting more in to school and trying to work more I'm missing out on times with friends so I'm missing all the inside jokes and stories, so I take full responsibility for that. Back to the school and work thing I think I'm finally getting my priorities straight, although I might be missing out on good times with friends, I know that the people who really matter and really care will still be there when I get a change to hang out, they'll understand that my school is one of my main priorities and that I need to work to get it paid for, whenever I move out I'm going to need money saved up for those "just in case" things which is what some peole don't get I think. Some people don't know what it's like to have to work for the money you need it feels like. Try working for the money you need and going to school and you'll see why I can be so tight with my spending.
I was also told that I put up walls when it comes to 'meeting' people, but that I'm far from alone in that, which is definitely the truth. Last night it toally hit me that I'm afraid of everything the world has to offer, and might take away which I think I briefly touched on in my last post. It seems like my biggest fear is losing the people I've gone through so much with which absolutely terrifies me. Not just that, but I've seen so many relationships go so bad, they haven't all been nothing but bad, but I've seen so many friends go through stuff that I don't want to have to deal with in my own life, ya know? I was also told that someone thinks that I lost the person I hold closest to me a while ago which kind of hurt. It didn't hurt that they said it, but it hurt because I can kind of see where they're coming from on that.
Here goes another new chapter in the life of Yours Truely. Another eppiphany before another year of school. Hang out to the people closest to you and make sure you tell them everything every chance you get because before you know it they could be just another stranger in an unfamiliar group and it's too late because so much has changed that you could't ever possibly go back.