Plan B

I don't want to sound like I'm mad at what I feel is the usual routine but I am a little bitter about it. I've almost always felt like the "Plan B" for people; not everyone, and not anyone in specific but just here and there I feel like I'm mostly the, "ok, well so and so is busy so I'll call Chris." Which isn't ok but if that's the only way I'll get to see my friends then so be it. A phone call tonight was a very "Plan B" moment for me. I'm not sure if that's how it was intended but it felt like that to me. Person A called Person B, person B didn't answer their phone so Person A called me and quickly said, "hold on for a minute", or something along those lines and then put me on hold and called Person B. Again, I'm not mad at anyone but I really do feel like the Plan B sometimes...more often than not. Tonight Gina and I had a great talk again. She's too much badass.
This part below was originally from a private post.
The subject has nothing to do with the poem below. The plan b subject is because Steven called me earlier tonight because him and Julio didn't know what to do when they were hanging out so they called me. Wouldn't it be really cool if people called people because they wanted to hang out with someone and not just because they don't know what else to do? The poem is about, Krisy obviously. I think this will be the first of a few blogs to keep private just as a journal. It seems easier to sit and type then it does to write. I'm definitely ready to move somewhere A.S.A.P. I just don't really feel like I "click" with anyone here anymore. Krisy is back up in Flagstaff now and outside of work the people I see on the most consistent basis are Gina and Julio and occasionally Steven. Maybe once school gets going everything will smooth out. I really do hope Krisy and I can be great friends again. Times are most of the time rediculiously amazing and she is by far one of the most amazing people ever but it's felt sorta weird lately, probably nothing. I guess things aren't bad between us, but when you're used to laugh a minute stomach killing nights anything less than that can seem sorta scary. Gina is prettytoo cool too. I really wish her and I talked more and spending time with her AND Julio is a total laugh a minute. I'm sure I look like a total gloom with them but it really is fun. It's always funny to look back at how you become friends with people and how unlikely your best friends seem. There is no way when I met Krisy back in 8th grade I saw us being such amazing friends. Same for Katie and I. Her and I started talking via good old AOL Instant Messenger and over the course of a few weeks or months, whatever it was, we clicked and she's been an amazing friend for me ever since then. Sure we've had our whatever-you-wanna-call-thems but who doesn't? Julio has totally surprised me too. At first in high school him and I didn't really like each other ... at all but one day via good old AIM again we started talking and somehow during the last half of senior year we became really good friends and even more so last summer. Steven, Erika, and Chris are three people I really wish I got to spend time with just because of how absolutely cool they can be, and how rare it is for us to really talk anymore, ya know? Some people might seem questionable now but at one point things were great, ya know?Someday. And once again were separated by time and spaceWe'll go back to our old routinesAnd oh how we'll miss each other by the months endIt's always so much easier to say hi when its been so long The things left unsaid come flying out with such ease when you're so far goneAnd I hate to say it so I never willBut we both missed our one last chanceWe drove and droveWe passed the point of no return and never said a word And once again were separated by space and timeAnd I'm forever choked by things left unsaidYou're so far gone but so am I and I already lost everything I was and had to hold on toI already lost the one person who really mattered anymore.August 26, 2006 3:41 pm 16th street and bethany starbucks.

You know that saying that goes something like, "stand for something or you'll fall for anything"?

Ok, last night some friends and I were hanging out and talking and it was a pretty amazing time even though all we did was sit in front of Starbucks for about an hour. And it wasn't the kind of amazing like the feeling of getting ice cream then getting new CDs with your best friend, it was the kind of amazing that like, makes you aware of so much you had no idea existed.
Before I get going in any of this there is no angry, bitter, or hurt tone intended. It might seem a little "drier" than my usual expressive and somewhat lighthearted tone but I'm just being very real and straight forward in this. I know one, if not more, person who was part of the talk last night reads this, so thanks. Last night opened up my eyes to an entirely new side of me.
It all started when I brough up a blog I was going to post about my thoughts on homosexuality and my faith, which is something I've thought about and almostquestioned for years, but I won't touch on that right now. My friend Gina started asking me a lot of questions, not attacking me or anything, just trying to understand what I was thinking and I realized that I don't really have anything to base all of this on, which isn't really terrible, but all of the questions people had made me realize that I have no idea who I am at all, I thought I had myself all figured out for a while but after last night I was obviously totally wrong.
Someone said they thought I was so used to feeling down and sad that I don't know how to be happy and have fun but that couldn't be farther from the truth, maybe not the having fun part, but for the most part I'm perfectly content just being by myself. I absolutely love my friends and would have no problem hanging out with any of them, but I feel so out of place now. And it isn't just with specific people anymore like it was for a while, just in general. I feel like as I'm gradually getting more in to school and trying to work more I'm missing out on times with friends so I'm missing all the inside jokes and stories, so I take full responsibility for that. Back to the school and work thing I think I'm finally getting my priorities straight, although I might be missing out on good times with friends, I know that the people who really matter and really care will still be there when I get a change to hang out, they'll understand that my school is one of my main priorities and that I need to work to get it paid for, whenever I move out I'm going to need money saved up for those "just in case" things which is what some peole don't get I think. Some people don't know what it's like to have to work for the money you need it feels like. Try working for the money you need and going to school and you'll see why I can be so tight with my spending.
I was also told that I put up walls when it comes to 'meeting' people, but that I'm far from alone in that, which is definitely the truth. Last night it toally hit me that I'm afraid of everything the world has to offer, and might take away which I think I briefly touched on in my last post. It seems like my biggest fear is losing the people I've gone through so much with which absolutely terrifies me. Not just that, but I've seen so many relationships go so bad, they haven't all been nothing but bad, but I've seen so many friends go through stuff that I don't want to have to deal with in my own life, ya know? I was also told that someone thinks that I lost the person I hold closest to me a while ago which kind of hurt. It didn't hurt that they said it, but it hurt because I can kind of see where they're coming from on that.
Here goes another new chapter in the life of Yours Truely. Another eppiphany before another year of school. Hang out to the people closest to you and make sure you tell them everything every chance you get because before you know it they could be just another stranger in an unfamiliar group and it's too late because so much has changed that you could't ever possibly go back.

Passed the point of no return?

Passed the point of no return?
Too many fake smiles and awkward silences.
I promise you it’s not your fault but I can’t explain it.
All I know is that I’ve sat and watched the clouds arrive and disappear.
I’ve seen my world crumble around me and watch friends turn to strangers.
You’re not alone when you feel like you’re losing the people closest to you.
There’s so much I’m afraid of and such a huge world out there screaming my name
There's so much out there and I'm so terrified of what could be and could've been
There's such a huge world out there and I'm so terrified but I don't know what I'm doing anymore, at all.

Brand New, what else.

The Brand New show was amazing! But there's no way something could've gone off without a hitch, so of course there's more to the story. A while ago I got my ticket, then picked up a ticket for Julio. We were pumped, and not just us. A lot of my friends were super excited to finally see Brand New. They were one of all our favorite bands and we'd finally get to see them! And not just that, but during summer! How cool! So everyone who was going had their tickets and that was like, the big thing. Before I go on, maybe I was just excited for everyone else, but I don't think I was alone in my excitement. Well it's like a week away and one of my friends can find the ticket for her and her sister. No big deal, just call the company who she got the tickets through, tell them what happened and everything will be fine, right? Well I guess not. This company doesn't do replacements, at all. What-ever. This is TOO lame! Well Julio calls me and was like, "I'm not going to go, take Erika with the ticket you got for me." Well Erika being the stubborn amazing sister she is refuses to go and wants Britney to go. Lame, but still cool, Britney is super cool, and we hadn't talked a whole lot before this. Ok, so we're on the way to go see Brand New finally. Pretty bummed out that Julio and Erika won't be joining us, but we're going anyways. Fast forward through the first two bands; Colour Revolt and Pistolitta. Brand New is finally up! Yes! Britney and I are determined to get up front, but there are a LOT of people and both of us are pretty small. I give up pretty quick and go head back, I've got no idea what she's doing. Brand New starts playing their songs, it's all things amazing bla bla bla then they play "Soco Amaretto Lime"!!! NO WAY!! The entire show was amazing, they played almost every song off of Deja Entendu (all of them except, "Good To Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die.", and they played a few songs off of Your Favourite Weapon, a few new songs, and closed their set with, "Play Crack the Sky." Despite the little bit of awkwardness I just feel in general now, the concert was still one of the biggest highlights of my summer, and during "Soco" I just felt great. One of those, "this is summer break" moments. Of course it feels like summer, I've been lazy and it's hot and humid and there are always clouds around, but it hasn't really felt like summer break. A big part of that is my fault, but I won't take full responsibility just for being stubborn. I'm not going to touch on that this close to 3AM though. I need to get to bed.

A little rambling

So the past week or so I've had the most difficult of times falling asleep. I've been conciously trying to go to bed earlier in hopes of waking up earlier and getting on a more "normal"sleeping pattern. I guess it was last Saturday night/Sunday morning that really caught my attention, I was in bed right after work at about 2:whatever and didn't fall asleep till 4:30/ish. Holy cow that was terrible. There was also a night after that, was it Sunday night/ Monday morning I think, that I didn't fall asleep till 6:30 AM. That made me start thinking about the possibility of insomnia, so Tuesday night I went to bed at about 11:30PM or so and I was like, "right on, I'm really tired so I'll fall asleep right away." I was totally right, but I was awake at 4:30AM on the dot and never fell back asleep. Lame. Last night/ this morning was another lame night, I didn't fall asleep till about 4AM. When I go to bed it isn't like I'm not tired, I'm really really tired, so maybe being too tired is keeping me awake. I've also got a lot on my mind, nothing serious or anything, it's just that my mind is constantly racing from subject to subject, and I can't focus on anything to relax thinking about. Most of the time I've got music ideas going through my head, and last night was no exception so I went to go mess around at the piano for a while but that didn't help anything at all. I figured maybe I had a lot of emotions so I sat and wrote for a while and who would've guess, I fell asleep within minutes of writing in my notebook for a while.
Also, the past few late nights have been different compared to the same time of day a few weeks ago. I wasn't staying out late, usually with Krisy, like I usually was. I just realized this recently, and I bet that's a bit part of it. Also, even though I might not be up late with Krisy, I was up late Myspacing usually, so I spent about a half hour or so Myspacing before I got on good ol' Blogspot to pass some time.

I've also had a lot on my mind dealing with the possibility of me moving within the next year or so. I don't have any real plan or anything, so it's nothing more than an idea, but it would be so nice to go somewhere really far from here. There's nothing really specific that's making me want to move, just a general feeling, or lack there of. Nothing really feels like home to me here anymore. And with the exception of a very few people, the only thing keeping me here is school, and that's just because I want to have a little more finished before I take on a new challenge. I want to get some general type classes taken so I have a firmer foundation to work with. I'll also need some time to start seriously saving some money, and maybe even start investing in the stocks I get with Starbucks.
About the people I would miss; there are a few friends I would miss, and of course my family, but I can't say I'm extremely worried about losing the people I care about. I don't mean that in an arrogant sense, I'm just pretty sure that the people who really matter also care about me, and would work just as hard as me to stay in touch with each other ... I'd like to think so at least.

One more idea racing through my head is the thought of a tattoo on my body. I've wanted the same tattoo since the first part of last school year, just a simple heart somewhere on my torso. Regardless of how "girly" or whatever it might seem, a heart is a good reminder that someone somewhere loves me, which is something I have a hard time remembering sometimes. Signs and hidden messages are huge to me. The smallest thing could make a world of difference to me, and lately a few of my friends have been getting tattoos and I've seen a lot of programs dealing with tattoos. I'll probably think on the idea for a while before I do anything just because a tattoo is a lot of commitment. The idea sounds nice to me though.

I guess that's about it for this session of rambling. It's 2:21AM. I'm going to brush my teeth then take a shower and go straight to bed. Hopefully I'll be fast asleep by 3 and awake before noon.
Next big thing on my list of things is Brand New on Wednesday. You pumped, Julio? I know I am, and I'm pretty sure you're the only person who reads this. Hahaha!!

I just don't get it

This post is kind of tied to Julio's. Lately I've noticed there are some people in the world that absolutely amaze me. They are living, walking, breathing proof that miracles still happen quite frequently and on a daily basis. These people don't do anything extraordinary or ground breaking except live. Seeing them on a regular basis totally proved Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest wrong, because if that really true, they wouldn't be breeding. I won't say any names or single anyone out, nor will I say I'm any rediculiously outstanding individual, but these people really stand out to me, and maybe I'm that person to someone else, who knows. I just felt like sharing an honest observation. If these people can stay alive then and not kill themselves in their day to day routine, or get third degree burns from coffee there has to be hope out there, right? World peace, a cure for AIDS, an end to world poverty, me getting a boyfriend; anything is possible now, I've seen the proof! I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT!
You can be the judge of how serious or not I am in this post.

This is our annual, based on real events.

She said, "I wonder what's out there." We drove and drove and I asked myself, "I wonder what's out there"
We drove and drove and she said out loud, "I wonder how far it is."
The view was amazing. We saw the sky start to fall, and for a minute, life was perfect, and I said out loud, "I wonder what's out there. How far do you think it is?"
We drove and drove and I swear, for a few minutes, all was well in the world, and I thought to myself, "how much longer? How much longer till the sky comes crashing down?"
We drove and drove. We finally got there and she said to herself, "I wonder what's out there>
We drove and drove and I thought to myself, "how much longer until the sky comes crashing down?"
We finally got there and this is the end.
We finally got there and there's no going back.
The sky is falling and half the moon is gone.
I heard him whisper, "I wonder what's out there."

Got another five hundred miles

Got another five hundred miles
But that doesn't mean anything.
It's just a warning light
It just means it can only get better from here
Farther away
No more past with anyone
No more of a reputation I'll never outlive
I don't have anything to prove anymore
Barbed wire never gets old and neither do your excuses
Keep me hanging on
I swear I'll never let go
And I'll be the last one standing when you've gone through the rest

I'm going to get away from all this, and everything that surrounds me
And you
And all of us
I only need a quarter tank to get somewhere where no one knows me
I only need a gallon to get somewhere where you can't find me

I only need a simple call back for you to prove me wrong
But a hug from someone who doesn't exsist to make it ok

Can I possibly scream any louder
Make a bigger scene
What can I do to get my point across?
Or has it already been made and this is my answer
This is what I get
I get the point. I promise.

Remember, I'm the one everyone thought was crazy, and I still haven't outlived my reputation. I'm that boy who cried wolf and take my word for it, I'm too late.

Catching up to me

So for the past couple of years there have been a few things to do in this amazing valley known as The Vall of The Sun; you could go to a concert, go out to eat, go for a drive, go to a record store, or just sit somewhere and talk. None of those things are things that are amazingly unique to this area, and are probably the same things that people in other places do, because honestly, there are only so many things to do for fun in life, it's just that these things are getting so old in the same setting, ya know? Well all of this eating shopping and driving is starting to catch up to me in a lot of ways, mainly in my bank account. It isn't like I'm out of control or anything, it's just that everything I do I feel is so un-neccessary. Last night for example, I picked up Krisy to head to Phillip's house so she could get her phone, and then who knows what was next. Well we get Phillip again later then head to Tempe to some amazing pizza place, at about 11pm or something, after I had dinner already. Anywho, we get to Tempe and all that and I order some chicken wings and a pop, $5.50. Not unreasonable prices, but I didn't really need the chicken, nor was I hungry, and that $5.50 could have been used much better. I'm not getting fat by anyone's standards, but I'm starting to put on weight and I don't like it. And my bank account is really starting to hurt. I'm less than $650 in the bank which isn't good at all. My teeth are also not as amazing as they used to be, so I'm going to buy a teeth whitening kit in the near future. The driving thing is an entirely seperate issue in itself and I'll save that one for a later blog.
A few weeks ago I was hanging out with a friend who's been a pretty close friend for quite a while now and he's pointed out the past few times we hung out how much I've changed, and I've noticed it too. Probably more than half of the things about me I would've hated so much like, four years ago or so, or even less. I'm going to whiten my teeth, I work at Starbucks, I shop at Old Navy and American Eagle on a pretty regular basis, just little stuff like that, nothing serious. Anywho, I don't know where I was going with that. I miss him though. I hope he's doing good, it's been a while since we actually talked and last time I saw him he looked kinda sad.
Um ... summer break now. More on that later.

Starting over?

Yeah right. Nothing ever ended to start over. Lame first blog, aren't most peoples' first blogs lame anyways?